1.Perform This Way
Lyricist：Paul Blair, Fernando Garibay, Stefani Germanotta, Jeppe Breum
Laursen, Alfred Matthew Yankovic
My mama told me when I was hatched
Act like a superstar
Save your allowance, buy a bubble dress
And someday you will go far
Now on red carpets, well, I'm hard to miss
The press follows everywhere I go
I'll poke your eye out with a dress like this
Back off and enjoy the show
I'm sure my critics will say it's a grotesque display
Well, they can bite me, baby, I perform this way
I might be wearin' Swiss cheese or maybe covered with bees
It doesn't mean I'm crazy, I perform this way, form this way
Ooo, my little monsters pay, lots 'cause I perform this way
Baby, I perform this way, form this way
Ooo, don't worry, I'm okay, hey, I just perform this way
I'm not crazy, I perform this way
I'll be a troll or evil queen
I'll be a human jelly bean
'Cause every day is Halloween
For me
I'm so completely original
My new look is all the rage
I'll wrap my small intestines 'round my neck
And set fire to myself on stage
I'll wear a porcupine on my head
On a W-H-I-M
And for no reason now I'll sing in French
Excusez-moi, qui a pété？
Got my straight jacket today, it's made of gold lamé
No, not because I'm crazy, I perform this way
I strap my rib to my feet, cover myself with raw meat
I'll bet you've never seen a skirt steak worn this way
Don't be offended when you see
My latest pop monstrosity
I'm strange, weird, shocking, odd, bizarre
I'm Frankenstein, I'm Avatar
There's nothing too embarrassing
I'll honestly do anything
But wear white after Labor Day
'Cause baby, I perform this way
Hope you won't think it's cliché if I go nude today
Don't call the cops now, baby, I perform this way
No reason I should regret all the attention I get
I'm not completely crazy, I perform this way, yeah
I perform this way, hey, I perform this way, hey
I'm always deviating from the norm this way, hey
I perform this way, hey, I perform this way, hey
I'm really not insane, I just perform this way, hey
2.CNR
Charles Nelson Reilly was a mighty man
The kind of man you'd never disrespect
He stood eight feet tall, wore glasses, and had a third nipple
on the back of his neck
He ate his own weight in coal, excreted diamonds everyday
He could throw you down a flight of stairs, but you still would
love him anyway
Yeah, you know you'd love him anyway
Charles Nelson Reilly won the Tour de France with two flat tires
and a missing chain
He trained a rattlesnake to do his laundry, I'm telling you the
man was insane
He could rip out your beating heart, and show it to you before
you died
Everyday he' make the host of Match Game give him a piggyback
ride
Yeah, two hour piggyback ride, giddy up Gene
Ninja warrior, master of disguise
He could melt your brain with his laser-beam eyes, Oh yeah
Oh yeah
He had his own line at the DMV
He made sweet, sweet love to a manatee
Oh yeah
Oh yeah, that was something to see, I tell ya
Charles Nelson Reilly sold his toenail clippings
As a potent aphrodisiac
He ran a four minute mile blindfolded
With an engine block strapped to his back
He could eat more frozen waffles
Then any other man I know
Once he fell off the Chrysler building
And he barely even stubbed his toe
Had a tiny little scratch on his toe
Didn't even hurt
Charles Nelson Reilly figured out cold fusion, but he never ever
told a soul
I've seen the man unhinge his jaw, and swallow a Volkswagen
whole
He'd bash your face in with a shovel if you didn't treat him
like a star
You could spit at the wind, or tug at Superman's cape
But Lord knows you don't mess around with CNR
No, no, no
Talkin' about CNR
3.TMZ
You're sort of famous, a minor celebrity
And so it only makes sense the world would be
Obsessed with every single thing you do
They're running 'round with their camcorders in the night
They're lurking patiently and hoping that they just might
See something real embarrassing you do
A bad hair day and sweat stained t-shirt
That's the story that they're gonna feature
With exclusive pics of your flabby behind
You think you're all alone but that's right when you'll find
A bunch of paparazzi popping outta nowhere
Cameras in your face and then suddenly
You're on TMZ
You're on TMZ
Following you when you're walking down the street
And asking stupid questions while you're trying to eat
So you cover your face thinking to yourself
Hey, isn't this creepy？
And they're out there praying you'll have a big meltdown
And take 'em on a little car chase through this whole town
They'll be there with you when you're going to jail
First time the scene for every wardrobe failed
You just picked up some transvestite
Seconds later it's up on the website
Get a Vegas wedding or quickie divorce
And they'll sneaking in snapping pictures of course
And if they ever catch you picking your nose
Or storming down the street on a drunken spree
You're on TMZ
Stalking you, just waiting by your front door
Trailing you through airport security
They're with TMZ
They're with TMZ
Oh, let me tell you
It's getting to the point where a famous person can't
Even get a DUI or go on a racist rant
Those guys are all around so you really shouldn't dare
Go to every club in town, if you've lost your underwear
Seems that every single time a star decides
To shave their head or ram their car into a tree
They're with TMZ
If they catch you peeing in the bushes
Later on that night, well, I guarantee
You're on TMZ
You're on TMZ
You're on TMZ
Every single celebrity
Knows they're gonna be
There on TMZ
4.Skipper Dan
I starred in every high school play
Blew every drama teacher away
I graduated first in my class at Juilliard
Took every acting workshop I could
And I dreamed of Hollywood
While I read my Uta Hagen and studied the Bard
Hit the boards and paid my dues
And got phenomenal rave reviews
I knew the world was gonna love me, without a doubt
I was sure that Tarantino would be callin' me on the phone
Annie Leibovitz would shoot me for Rolling Stone
But the years have come and gone
And I'm sorry to say that's not the way that it's all worked out
I'm a tour guide on the Jungle Cruise ride
Skipper Dan is the name
And I'm doin' 34 shows every day
And every time it's the same
Look at those hippos, they're wigglin' their ears
Just like they've done for the last 50 years
Now I'm laughin' at my own jokes but I'm cryin' inside
Cause I'm workin' on the Jungle Cruise ride
Oh, the critics, they used to say
I was the new Olivier
Thought I'd be the toast of Sundance or maybe Cannes
Aw, but don't bother tryin' to IMDB me
The only place you might possibly see me
Is ridin' my little boat around Adventureland
It ain't exactly what I planned
But I'm a tour guide on the Jungle Cruise ride
Skipper Dan is the name
And I'm doin 34 shows every day
And every time it's the same
I would've killed if I'd been in 'Speed The Plow'
But what's the difference, that's all behind me now
Cause I'm payin' the rent and I'm swallowin my pride
And I'm workin' on the Jungle Cruise ride
I should be there on Broadway
Knockin' 'em dead in '12 Angry Men'
But instead I'm here tellin' these lame jokes
Again and again and again and again and again and again and
again
Bengal Tigers can jump over 20 feet!
That's an African bull elephant...
And there it is, the backside of water!
What have I done with my life？!
I shoulda listened when my grandfather said
'Why don't you major in business instead？'
Now my hopes have all vanished and my dreams have all died
And I'll probably work forever as a tour guide on the Jungle
Cruise ride
Skipper Dan is the name
And I'm doin' 34 shows every day
And every time it's the same
Look at those hippos, they're wigglin their ears
Somebody shoot me cause I'm bored to tears
Always said I'd be famous... I guess that I lied
Cause I'm workin' on the Jungle Cruise ride
I'm still workin' on the Jungle Cruise ride
5.Craigslist
Whoa, yeah!
You've got a 65 Chevy Malibu
With automatic drive, a custom paint job too
I'll trade you for my old wheelbarrow
And a slightly-used sombrero
And I'll even throw in a stapler, if you insist
Craigslist
I'm on Craigslist, baby, come on
Yeah
Well, we shared a quick glance Saturday at the mall
I never took a chance, never approached you at all
You were a blonde half-Asian with a bad case of gas
I was wearin' red Speedos and a hockey mask
Come on, let's find that love connection that we missed
On Craigslist
Yeah, Craigslist, come on
I'm on Craigslist, baby
Maybe you are too
Bee bomp a chonk a donk bim bang boo
An open letter to the snotty barista
At the Coffee Bean on San Vicente Boulevard：
I know there were 20 people behind me in line
But I was on a cell phone call with my mother
Didn't you see me hold up my index finger？
That means I'll order my soy decaf hazelnut latte in just a
couple minutes
So what's with the attitude, lady？
No tip for you
Got a trash can of Styrofoam peanuts, you can have em for free
You can drop by on the weekend and pick em up from me
But the trash can ain't part of the deal
Only givin' you the peanuts, get real
Don't have no Hefty bags, so bring your own
Don't bug me with questions on the phone
Don't ask for help, don't waste my time
And don't complain, cause they won't cost you a dime
Just ask yourself
Do you want my Styrofoam peanuts？
You can have my Styrofoam peanuts
Do you want my Styrofoam peanuts？
You can have 'em all
They're on Craigslist, yeah
Craigslist, oh baby, come on
I'm on Craigslist, Craigslist, Craigslist
I'm on Craigslist, Craigslist, Craigslist now
Craigslist
6.Party In The CIA
I moved out to Langely recently
With a plain and simple dream
Wanna infiltrate some third-world place
And topple their regime
Those men in black with their matching suitcases
Where everything's on a need-to-know basis
Agents got that swagger
And everyone so cloak and dagger
I'm feeling nervous but I'm really kinda wishing
For another undercover mission
That's when the red alert came on the radio
And I put my earpiece on
Got my dark sunglasses on
And I had my weapon drawn
So I get my handcuffs, my cyanide pills
My classified dossier
Tapping the phones like yeah
Shredding the files like yeah
And then I rised all the enemy spies
I've got to neutralize today
Yeah, it's a party in the CIA
Yeah, it's a party in the CIA
I've done a couple of crazy things
That have almost gotten me dismissed
Like terminate some head of state
Who wasn't even on my list
Burn that microfilm, buddy, will you？
I'd tell you why but then I'd have to kill you
You need a quickie confession？
Well, start a water boarding session
No hurry on this South American dictator
I'll assassinate him later
That's when he walked right in my laser sights
And my silencer was on
And my silencer was on
And another target's gone
Yeah, we've got our backups all over the world
From Kazakhstan to Bombay
Paying the bribes like yeah
Plugging the leaks like yeah
Interrogating the scum of the earth
We'll break them by the break of day
Yeah, it's a party in the CIA
Yeah, it's a party in the CIA
Need a country to stabilize？
Look no further, we're your guys
We've got snazzy suits and ties
And a better dental plan than the FBI
Better put your hands up and get in the van
Or else you'll get blown away
Staging a coup like yeah
Brainwashing moles like yeah
We only torture the folks we don't like
You're probably gonna okay
Yeah, it's a party in the CIA
Yeah, it's a party in the CIA
7.Ringtone
Once, not very long ago, I was respected, I was popular
(popular, ooh)
But now I hang my head in shame (ahh, ooh)
My life is filled with such regret
A bad mistake I can't forget
And now I'll never be the same
Ringtone
Why did I buy this stupid ringtone？
I just can't imagine now what I was thinking at all (What was I
thinking？)
My friends all stare at me whenever I get a call
Well, everybody (everybody)
Everybody (everybody)
Everybody in the world really hates my ringtone
When my phone goes off at work
I look like the biggest jerk
Total strangers wanna slap me around
When it's ringin' on the terrace
My neighbors get embarrassed
They're beggin' me to move outta town
Well, it made my wife so sick
She smashed my iPhone with a brick
But I had it fixed, and now it's just fine
It's a pain, I sure don't need it
And I probably should delete it
But for me that would be crossin' the line
'Cause I hate to waste a buck ninety nine
Hey, I paid good money for this...
Ringtone
Why did I buy this stupid ringtone？
I just can't imagine now what I was thinking at all (Really,
what was I thinking？)
My friends all stare at me whenever I get a call
Well, everybody (everybody)
Everybody (everybody)
Everybody in the world really hates my ringtone
Ringtone
Ringtone
Ahh, ooh
Chinese factory workers (they hate my ringtone)
Muslim women in burqas (really hate my ringtone)
Starvin' kids in Angola (they hate my ringtone)
Even folks with Ebola (just hate my ringtone)
All the nuns and nannies (all the welfare mothers)
All the Pakistanis (all the Wayans brothers)
Everyone on the land, everyone on the sea
Every single person everywhere unanimously
Everybody (everybody)
Everybody (everybody)
Everybody in the whole wide world really hates my
Ringtone... ringtone... ringtone... ringtone... ringtone...
ringtone...
8.Another Tattoo
Beautiful tats all over my back
Makes me so proud I'm gonna shout it out loud
I got another tattoo, baby
(Yeah, na-na-na 'nother tattoo, babe)
Another tattoo, baby
(Na 'nother tattoo, ha)
No part of me's blank, I'm really ink-obsessed
It's like a art show the moment that I get undressed
At every job interview, they're just so impressed
'Cause I got all my ex-wives on my chest
Over here it's Clay Aikon, there's a side of bacon
And I'm in a torpedo fighting with Satan
Next to Hello Kitty and a zombie ice skating
Wait, it's Ronald Reagan
I got this dragon, I got these dolphins
I'm described as being double bleed
I had bad reactions, bad infections
Even Hepatitis C
My friends think that I need therapy
Maybe some laser surgery
For the flaming goat skull on my knee
Knee, knee
Beautiful tats all over my back
Man, I've got some space here on this side of my face
Here for another tattoo, baby
(Na-na-na 'nother tattoo, babe, na 'nother tattoo)
Another tattoo, baby
(Na-na-na 'nother tattoo, babe, na 'nother tattoo)
No, I'm not high, I'm really okay
I just love these scribbles that won't go away
I got another tattoo, baby
(Na-na-na 'nother tattoo, babe, na 'nother tattoo)
Another tattoo, baby, yeah
(Na-na-na 'nother tattoo, babe, na 'nother tattoo)
Yes there were a few I got from losing a bet
I even misspelled a word or two, still there's nothing I regret
My shopping trips are no sweat, there's never stuff I forget
Check out this rad Boba Fett, he's playing clarinet
Beautiful tats all over my back
And what the heck, there's still some room on my neck
I'll get another tattoo, baby
(Na-na-na 'nother tattoo, babe, na 'nother tattoo)
Another tattoo, baby
(Na-na-na 'nother tattoo, babe, na 'nother tattoo)
I don't know why but every day
Whenever folks see me they just back away
I got another tattoo, baby
(Na-na-na 'nother tattoo, babe, na 'nother tattoo)
Another tattoo, baby, yeah
(Na-na-na 'nother tattoo, babe, na 'nother tattoo)
Yeow, yeah, okay right there by my elbow, you see？
Yeah, I got a couple square inches left, yeah
Maybe a squid or a taranatula or something, I don't know
Surprise me, yeow, mother
9.If That Isn't Love
Ooh yeah
Oh
I'm your shelter from the storm
You'll know I'll always have your back
I'll even let you warm your freezing hands inside my butt crack
I never get out my leaf blower when Oprah is on
And when you're telling me about your feelings I try not to yawn
And when we're at parties I don't talk about your spastic
bladder
When you're cleaning the gutters on the roof I hold the ladder
And if that isn't love
If that isn't love
If that isn't love
I don't know what love is
Nanananananana nanananano I guess I don't know
Nanananananana
Ahhh listen now
There's a microscopic bit of milk left in the refrigerator
I coulda finished it off but I quit in case you want a tiny
little sip for
Later
And if you cut the cheese then maybe I'll wink and say the dog's
to blame
And I'll make sure to call you baby everytime I forget your name
I'll even tell you girl when you start looking fat
'Cuz all your so-called friends will probably neglect to mention
that
And if that isn't love
If that isn't love
If that isn't love
I don't know what love is
Nanananananana nananana well then I don't know
Nananannananna
Oh no
Even though you make me sit through Mamma Mia!
Well I still adore you
I'll kiss you even if you have omelettes for breakfast
And I can't stand omelettes
After I take a bath
If it's still warm I'll leave the water in there for you
I'll give you my word
You're so beautiful you make a glorious sunset look like a big
fat turd
Everytime I see you trying to lift some really heavy thing
You can always count on me to help by saying something
encouraging
If you get drunk and pass out I'll never sharpie up your face
And I don't wipe my nose on your couch even though that's a
super
Convenient place
I totally support every idiotic thing you do
And I almost never pretend you're someone else when I'm making
out with you
And if that isn't love
If that isn't love
If that isn't love
I don't know what love is
Nanananananana no I don't know what love is
Nanananananana well I don't know what love is
I don't know what love is
10.Stop Forwarding That Crap To Me
Oh the sand keeps falling through the hourglass
And there's no way you're going to slow it down
You say we gotta treasure each moment
Who knows how long we're gonna be around
Yeah you keep on telling me life is short
And it's hard to disagree with what you say
But if time is so precious why ya wasting mine
Cuz I'm always reading
Always deleting
Every useless piece of garbage that you send my way
Every stupid hoax
All those corny jokes
Stop forwarding that crap to me
Well I don't need tons of cringe inducing puns
Stop forwarding that crap to me
No it isn't ok if you brighten my day
With some cut and pasted hackneyed Hallmark poetry
And I didn't request a personality test
Stop forwarding that crap to me
Ahhh
You're sending virus latent you're sending virus-laden
bandwidth-hogging
Attachments to every single person you know
You're passing around a link to some dumb thing on YouTube
That everybody else already saw three years ago
And wacky badly Photoshopped billboard were never that amusing
to me
And I just can't believe you believe those urban legends
But I have high hopes that someone will point you toward Snopes
And debunk that crazy junk you're spewing constantly
No I don't want a bowl of Chicken Soup for the Soul
Stop forwarding that crap to me
Send more top 10 lists and I'll slash my wrists
Please stop forwarding that crap to me
Well I'm sorry I can't accept your paranoid rant
And I don't want the Neiman Marcus cookie recipe
Won't you kindly refrain cuz it's hurting my brain
Stop forwarding that crap to me...
Like glittery hearts and unicorns and pictures of somebody's cat
Now tell me in what alternate reality will I care about
something like
That？
And by the way your quotes from George Carlin aren't really
George Carlin
Mr. Rogers never fought the Viet Cong
And Bill Gates is never gonna give me something for nothing
And I really doubt some dead girl is gonna kill me if I don't
pass her
Letter along
Well now I know you're wishing
I'll sign your petition
But stop forwarding that crap to me
And I don't want to read your series
Of conspiracy theories
Just stop forwarding that crap to me
And your two million loser friends
All have my address because you never figured out the way to BCC
But now I gotta insist
Take me off of your list
Stop forwarding that crap to me
(Stop forwarding that crap to me
Stop forwarding that crap to me
Stop forwarding that crap to me
Stop forwarding that crap to me)
Just stop it now
Oh no
I can't take it
Aw please
You gotta stop
Right now
I'm not kidding
At the risk of being slightly repetitious gonna ask you now to
stop
Sending me that crap
I don't want it
Don't send it to me
Now don't send it to me
Just stop forwarding that crap to me
Stop forwarding that crap to me
To me
11.Whatever You Like
Lyricist：Clifford Harris, James Scheffer, David Siegel, K.v.
Washington
Hey girl, you know, our economy's in the toilet
But I'm still gonna treat you right
I said you can have whatever you like, if you like
I said you can have whatever you like, if you like
Yeah
Tater tots, Cold Duck on ice
And we can clip coupons all night
And baby you can have whatever you like, if you like
I said you can have whatever you like, if you like
Yeah
Take you out for dinner anywhere that you please
Like Burger King or Mickey D's
And baby you can have whatever you like, if you like
I said you can even have the large fries, large fries
Yeah
Baby, you should know I am really quite a sweet guy
When I buy you bathroom tissue, I always get the 2-ply
Want it, you can get it, my dear
I got my Costco membership card right here
Yeah you like Top Ramen？ Need Top Ramen？
Got a cupboard full of 'em, I'll keep 'em comin'
You want it, I got it, go get it, just heat it
Dump the flavor packet on it and eat it
Pork and beans and Minute Rice
And we can play cribbage all night
And baby you can have whatever you like, if you like
I said you can have whatever you like, if you like
Yeah
I can take you to the Laundromat downtown
And watch all the clothes go 'round and 'round
And baby we can go wherever you like, if you like
I said we can go wherever you like, if you like
Yeah
Hottest shorty I know, if you had some lipo
You could be second runner-up Miss Ohio
Seven dollar bills rolled up inside my plastic billfold
Buy you a bagel even if it is a day old
And you never ever gotta wear your sister's old clothes
Long as I'm still assistant manager at Kinko's
Cut your hair with scissors and a soup bowl
You ain't gotta pay me, that's the way that I roll
My chick can have what she want
At Wal-Mart she can pick out anything she want
I know girl, you ain't never had a man like that
Who doesn't make you buy generic brand like that
Yeah you like my Hyundai？ See my Hyundai？
I can take you to see your cousin Phil next Sunday
But that's kinda far and I'm not made of cash
Do you think you could chip in for gas？
Mac and cheese would be all right
But let's send out for pizza tonight
And you can order any toppings you like, if you like
I said you can even have the last slice, last slice
Yeah
Ran myself a cable from my neighbor next do', do'
Now I can get free HBO
And baby you can watch whatever you like, if you like
I said you can watch whatever you like, if you like
Yeah
And you can always ride the city bus
Got a stack of tokens just for us
Yo, my wallet's fat and full of ones
Yeah, it's all about the Washingtons, that's right
You want White Castle？ Need White Castle？
Long as you got me it won't be no hassle
You want it, well get it, just don't be a hater
If I grab a bunch of napkins for later
Thrift store jeans, on sale half price
The underwear at Goodwill is nice
And baby you can have whatever you like, if you like
I said you can have whatever you like, if you like
Yeah
Baby I can give you anything you please
Even share my government cheese
And baby you can have as much as you like, if you like
I said you can go have as much as you like, if you like
Yeah
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